Monday, April 29, 2013

NHL Playoff Drinking Game

On Twitter, Greg Townsend of Goon Report and I started tweeting about a playoffs drinking game.
"Hey Kaner I just got your pregame meal ready."
  There's been plenty of these for specific teams in the past.  I, sort of fondly remember not quite making it through the second period of a Maple Leafs game doing one that had too many rules.

As a general thing, if your drinking game has multiple pages, you're probably going to need a day or two to recover.  That obvious gem of knowledge came my brother and I watching the Star Wars trilogy following a drinking game similar to this. 

So in the spirit of the playoffs and different levels of Binge Drinking, here's two levels of drinking games for each playoff series, "Simple" and "I Cleared my Calendar Tomorrow", which also includes all the rules for simple but I'm too lazy to cut and paste.

For the purposes below, a drink is defined as a sip of your favorite beverage.  Most likely, beer, wine, or a mixed drink. 

General for Broadcasts
1. Drink if Mike Milbury or Don Cherry say something stupid
2. Drink two if the one not talking agrees
3. Media talks about the Penguins or the Blackhawks
4. Drink two if neither is playing during the broadcast and it's not advertising an upcoming game
5. Hockey players are awkwardly referred to as warriors/heroes
6. Drink two if someone correctly identifies police, fire, soldiers, first responders are real heroes
7. You see a pair of Bench Boobs or some other behind the bench comedy

Eastern Conference

(1) Pittsburgh vs. (8) New York Islanders

1. Take a drink every time someone mentions the similarities between the Penguins and Islanders in terms of being awful for years and drafting some good young players
2. Take a drink if Sidney Crosby or Jonathan Tavares register a point
3. Take a second if the one who didn't is mentioned immediately afterwards
4. Take two drinks if the Television crew are all wearing dark pants to hide their wood over the Penguins/from any female reporters in the locker rooms (once per person per game, unless they change their pants)
5. Evegni Nabakov being claimed off waivers is mentioned

I Cleared My Calendar:
1. Drink if someone on network television fauns over Crosby or Tavares
2. Drink two if it's Pierre McGuire
3. Drink four if he's dry humping the player in question's leg
4. Marc-Andre Fluery lets in an soft goal (note: this was the origin)

(2) Montreal vs. (7) Ottawa

1. P.K. Subban's contract is mentioned
2. Ottawa's injuries are mentioned
3. Pound your drink if NBC or American TV acknowledges this series exists
4. Craig Anderson's stats are compared to Jonathan Quick's from last year.

I Cleared My Calendar:
1. Erik Karlsson's injury and miraculous recovery is mentioned
2. Media laments this not being between Original Six teams
3. Toronto or Boston are mentioned
4. Anderson leers at an ice girl.
5. Drink two if she's working for Montreal
6. Ottawa's injuries are mentioned
7. Someone makes a short joke about the Canadiens

(3) Washington vs. (6) New York Rangers

1. Ovechkin factors into a goal
2. Drink two if he doesn't get credited with a point but the television crew is convinced the goal was scored because of him
3. Drink everytime Columbus trades with the Rangers are brought up
4. Drink two if they're referred to as "Lumbus"

I Cleared My Calendar:
1. John Tortorella looks angry
2. Tortorella gets angry with media and resorts to mono syllabic answers to questions
3. Ovechkin's season is compared to Corey Perry's Hart season
4. Adam Oates as a player is mentioned
5. Pittsburgh/Crosby are brought up for some reason

 (4) Boston vs. (5) Toronto

1. Toronto's awful defensive statstics are mentioned
2. Drink two more when a rebuttal that it doesn't matter because it's the playoffs is ineffectively used
3. Lucic destroys someone
4. Drink two if it's not Mike Komisarek or a goalie
5. Colton Orr gets more shifts than Nazem Kadri

I Cleared My Calendar:
1. Reimer makes a save (this is cruel, I know)
2. Trades between the two teams are brought up
3. Carlyle makes a change in line combination during the game
4. Drink two if its in the middle of the line's shift
5. There's a fight
6. Brian Burke is mentioned
7. Pound if he's the one talking about himself in the third person while at the game

Western Conference

(1) Chicago vs (8) Minnesota

1. Ryan Suter and Zach Parise singing as free agents are mentioned
2. Chicago's points streak is mentioned
3. Drink two if it's incorrectly referred to as a "win" streak

I Cleared My Calendar:
1. Cal Clutterbuck is credited with a hit
2. Drink two if he wasn't even on the ice
3. Patrick Kane's partying is brought up
4. Pound if the words "titty shot" are used/shown on the air
5. Pound if Toews is blinks/shows emotion

(2) Anaheim vs. (7) Detroit

1. Detroit being compared to last year's Kings as a good team at the bottom is mentioned
2. Pavel Datsyuk dazzles everyone with his wizardry
3. Drink two if the guy defending him falls down
4. Pound if he chirps/tweets him later.
5. Teemu Selanne's age or overall awesomeness is mentioned

I Cleared My Calendar:
1. Nicklas Lidstrom's retirement is mentioned
2. Anaheim fans boo the refs for a correct call
3.  Drink two if it's actual justifiable
4. Corey Perry yaps at someone one.
5. Drink two to calm yourself so you don't smack your TV.  This is less of a rule as a good idea.
6. If Boudreau's lackluster playoff record is shown
7. Mike Babcock is shown with a water bottle looking grumpy

(3) Vancouver vs. (6) San Jose

1. Someone on Vancouver blows away in the wind (Kesler) or bites someone (Burrows)
2. Drink two if they mix it up and someone else does either
3. Drink when someone screws up which Sedin did something
4. Joe Thornton is described as a beast in the playoffs

I Cleared My Calendar:
1. Goalie controversy in Vancouver is mentioned
2. Previous year playoff failures for either team mentioned
3. Either team is mentioned as this being one of the last runs at a Cup due to advancing age
4. Vancouver swaps goalies
5. Drink two if the swap was ineffective

(4) Los Angeles vs. (5) Saint Louis

1. Last year's playoff series is mentioned
2. Boumeester's first appearance in the playoffs is mentioned
3. Drink two if that's after he makes an awful decision
4. Goaltending for either team is mentioned
5. Drink two if its in the context of being disappointing/inconsistent compared to last year

I Cleared My Calendar:
1. Los Angeles media screwing up the names of players is mentioned
2. Drink two if they do it again
3. Drink four if they make the same mistake as last year
4. Pound if Bailey or the LA Kings Twitter feed have a zinger of a comeback to the media
5. A celebrity is shown at Staples Center
6. Drink two if you recgonized them before they put up a graphic

Note: Know when to stop drinking and please don't drive if you've been drinking. We don't want anyone to be a Red Wings Prospect, with or without the Teletubby costume.

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