Saturday, March 16, 2013

How to Send Your Spouse to Buy Beer

I'm a very lucky man - I married a wonderful, sweet, intelligent, and beautiful young woman.  Hey Honey, this article is about beer and isn't that important, so you can quit reading if you want.  I understand.  I love you too.

Is she gone?


Telling the world the following could hurt my marriage.

Since she does most of the grocery shopping (since she inexplicably wants to eat something more nutritious than frozen pizza, waffles (I'm a Leafs fan and this still doesn't make sense to me), and ding dongs) she generally picks up beer for us.   If that isn't saintly, nothing is.  However, since the selections of beer is so varied these days and i respect her time, I've made a list of things to look for in beer.

Requirements for Beer (in no particular order):
[ ] - Dark enough light bends around it
[ ] - Strong enough to carry me home
[ ] - As bitter as a scorned woman (from what people have told me, since I'm angelic and have never upset anyone (points at location of imaginary halo and little flappy wings))
[ ] - Has a specific gravity high enough to hold down paper on a blustery day

[ ] - Filled with enough hops to fill a small oil tanker
[ ] - Reputable brewery with high standards (Stone, Karl Strauss, Brew Dog, Firestone Walker, Maui, etc.)
[ ] - Does not require fruit to be added to it.  (Honestly, what's next a cute little umbrella?)
[ ] - Anniversary/limited release beer
[ ] - Is stupidly expensive like a bottle of Sam Adams Utopia (I keep hoping this box gets checked one day)
[ ] - Anything you'll enjoy that will put you in an amorous mood*
[ ] - Winner of national/international awards
[ ] - Anything they won't let you buy a lot of (I understand if you're going to be late home since you had to make multiple trips into the store)
[ ] - Has an interesting twist (Bootlegger's Black Phoenix (Chipotle Coffee Ale), Sea Dog's Hazelnut Porter, etc.)
[ ] - Pairs well with food (IPA's with spicy, stouts with ice cream, etc. You are picking up ice cream, right?)
[ ] - Specific request based on recommendations of friends who know and love beer
[ ] - It's a beer we already know and love

Rating System
1 Box - Unacceptable unless it's the asterisked line
2 Boxes - Good to go
3 Boxes - Very nice, glad I fixed whatever was broken around the house
4 Boxes - It must be my birthday! Woot!
5 Boxes - Wait, is something wrong?
6 Boxes - No, really, what happened to the car?
7 Boxes - You drove it into our living room?
8 Boxes - We have an upstairs condo; how is that even possible?
9 Boxes or more - I don't want to know; just tell me it flew there by itself while on fire and full of all my possessions.  But it's okay, at least we'll have some great beer to enjoy.

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