Saturday, July 26, 2014

Types of Drivers as Hockey Players

This is actually a movie, not a picture (Photo by LA Times)
I live in Southern California, a place where you describe how far something is in time it takes to get there, not in actual distance.  In that way, I sort of get Han Solo's unit gaff when he described doing the "Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs."  (Though if you read this, it makes more sense, but kind of ruins my point, so don't click on the link).

As I drive, I often attribute personalities to cars near by.  Most of the time it's like a Fish Called Wanda, but not always.  And since I like hockey, I thought I'd compare the stereo-typical hockey players, by roles, to those of the people on the freeways.

Defensive defenseman - Slow and conservative in their driving.  Always seeming to block your path to a better position.  Once you move by them, they usually fall pretty far behind.

Offensive defenseman. - These tend to be like the defensive counterparts but occasionally make aggressive moves to get into better position and then fly down the road.

Goalies - Complete whack jobs.  These are a the people talking to themselves or singing along like a lunatic to the radio, and by radio, I mean NPR.

Puck handler - Weaves in and out of traffic, keeping control of his vehicle and motioning to others as he goes, helping direct his masterpiece.  These are often motorcyclists.

Power forward - These guys tailgate, honk, and overall drive quite aggressively.  The also bumper park. So, you probably don't want to be near these people.  They're easy to identify by hand with the extended middle finger sticking out of their sunroof.

Backup goalie - These tend to be distracted drivers (and still crazy like regular goalies). They may swerve or be reading their phone. Or watching real house wives of Vancouver.

Minor Leaguer dressed like a teletubby - Drunk Driver. (Don't ask, but at least it was around Halloween).

Pest - These are a special case of driver that iterates you until you do something rash and then the cop, who missed everything they did, pulls you over.

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