|Recommended Measuring Cup for a Drink|
But enough about my friend who wasn't drinking. Do you know who's already started? NBC executives when they try to figure out how to get the Penguins on without showing a Canadian team.
But speaking of drinking. I just finished watching my favorite team, the Toronto Maple Leafs, lose to Boston. In Overtime. After choking a 3 goal lead. While at Karl Strauss (who have excellent beer). So excuse the grammatical mistakes or any knock on Boston. It's completely personal. (And I'll fix them later when sober).
1. There's a hit worthy of suspension but the player won't be suspended
2. There's a clean hit but the player laying the hit will totally be suspended.
3. Someone on your twitter timeline swears about hockey (this is enough to ruin most people)
4. Don Cherry's suits make you wish you had Marc Staal vision problems.
5. Don Cherry's opinion makes you wish you had hearing problems.
6. Pound if NBC talks about a Canadian team
Pittsburgh (1) vs. Ottawa (7)
1. Drink for every mention of how Ottawa easily dispatched Montreal and how much trouble Pittsburgh had with the Islanders
2. Drink for every sentence containing "Sidney Crosby", "injury", and some description of his "return from"
3. Drink for every time Pittsburgh's lackluster goaltending is brought up
4. Drink every time someone comments on Matt Cooke and Erik Karlsson
5. Drink two if it's actually funny or interesting and not the same CSI joke all of us have been beating like a twice dead horse.
6. Terms like "elusive cup" and "possible last chance" are used for Daniel Alfredson and Jarome Iginlia for winning their first Stanley Cup.
7. Drink Chris Neil/Matt Cooke is trying to annoy someone
8. Drink two if either one's antics annoys you
9. Drink two more if they're trying to annoy each other
10. Pound if Cooke actually fights Neil
11. Drink if Penguins fans say Vokoun sucks and want Fluery back.
12. Drink two if they actually mean it.
Boston (4) vs. New York Rangers (6)
1. Drink when a New York Ranger blocks a shot
2. Drink when there's a hit.
3. Drink again when the Ranger hitting Chara ends up on the ice.
4. Drink two if Chara gets knocked down and the hitter doesn't
5. Drink for every inappropriate "original six" mention (see end of post)
6. Drink if Rick Nash's playoff inexperience/suckage is mentioned
7. Drink if Tyler Seguin says/tweets something dumb/insensitive (bonus points if it only offends Leafs fans)
8. Drink if Chara and a height joke are made
9. Drink if a Marchand and a nose joke are made
10. Drink if this is the featured Eastern Conference match-up
11. Drink when fatigue is mentioned despite both playing seven game series in Round 1.
Chicago (1) vs. Detroit (7)
1. Drink if there's an Original six comment
2. Drink if this is the only Western conference series on TV
3. Drink if Patrick Kane's mullet is featured
4. Drink if Toews shows emotion
5. Drink if the mention of this being the last non-Stanley Cup Final series between the teams is mentioned
6. Drink if someone points out the fans wearing red at the arena
7. Drink two if they don't get both teams wear red.
8. Joel Qunneville's mustache moves with apparent self-awareness.
9. Drink if regular season statistics/results don't seem to matter much.
10. Drink if someone gets Kronwalled
11. Drink if someone makes a Duncan "Teeth" joke
12. Drink if there's rest/rust discussion (game 1 only)
13. Drink if "travel" is a factor - despite both teams traveling the same distance in the series.
Los Angeles (5) vs. San Jose (6)
1. Celebrities at Staples are more recognizable than the first round
2. Celebrities, not players, are interviewed at intermission
3. Fittness jokes about Drew Doughty or Dustin Penner. This includes any pastry jokes or nicknames (Doughnuts for Doughty, Pancakes for Penner, and cupcakes for Matt Greene)
4. Drink two if someone overweight is holding up a sign calling a hockey player fat. And then eat a cookie.
5. Patrick Marleau or Joe Thornton are labeled a playoff choker
6. Drink two if they have better stats than a "Clutch performer"
7. Drink if Thornton is in "beast" mode.
8. Drink if Brent Burns beard is in "beast" mode
9. Drink two if you thought Chewbacca had suited up for the Sharks
10. Neimi gives up a rebound fatter than Penner, Doughty, or Greene.
11. Drink two if you said "I see what you did there."
12. Drink if someone says "hella" instead of "helluva"
13. Drink if LA suffers a technological glitch in San Jose's favor
Original Six Fallacy: Thanks to the book "Deceptions and Double-Crosses, recommended by Jeff Marek on Marek vs. Wyshinski, I learned that neither the Red Wings, Blackhawks, Rangers, or Bruins were among the first six professional teams in the NHL. They were the 12th, 11th, 10th, and 8th teams added, respectively. But, going forward from 1942-43, the league were those four teams, Montreal, and Toronto.
But that's okay, hockey started in the 1990's, according to Gary Bettman, who still hasn't figured out how to open that hockey puck.